Hermione Granger Observes Males
by Tinsadisaster
Summary: [ONESHOT?] Hermione Granger, probably the smartest witch to ever stomp into Hogwarts, is stumped by one topic: Boys. Wizards. Males. So, obviously, she investigates. Fate has his own plans. A funny HGDM story. RR


Hermione Granger  
  
Disclaimer: I write for my own enjoyment. I am not making any money off writing this. If I were, it would be heaven.  
  
Category: Humor/General/Romance/Drama  
  
Characters: Hermione, Harry, Ron, Malfoy, etc.  
  
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Hermione Granger: Male-Ology  
  
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My name is Hermione Jean Granger. They say I just might be the smartest witch ever to step foot into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If that's the case, why am I stumped on one little topic?  
  
Boys. Wizards. Males.  
  
However you want to call them, I just can't understand them. I wish someone wrote a book or instruction manual on how to comprehend their person.  
  
The Idiot's Guide to Wizards: Their Wand and their other wand.  
  
Males for Dummies: Just what do they think in their imaginative perverse heads?  
  
Boys: How to "Whip" them into your command (Kinky, eh?)  
  
Boys, Wizards, Males: It's all about their Willies. Seriously.  
  
I've searched and searched through Hogwarts' Library and I haven't found one single informative book on them. Perhaps I've been looking in the wrong sections?  
  
Trust me, I am no inexperienced dolt on males. I have two male best friends for Merlin's sake.  
  
Ron Weasley, the red-headed, easily angered, brother of the infamous Weasley Twins, side kick of The-Boy-Who-Has-Many-Nicknames, etc. If Ron was a female, I'd say he'd be experiencing PMS every single day of his life.  
  
And of course, Harry Potter. The-Boy-Who-Lived, The-Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't- Die (Malfoy's addition, I'm sure) , The-Boy-Who-Pissed-Voldemort-Off, The- Boy-Who-Many-Delirious-FanGirls-Wanted-To-Shag, The-Boy-Whom-Combs-and- Brushes-Feared, The-Boy-Whom-Everyone-Made-A-Nickname-For, The-Boy-Who- Cried-VOLDEMORT!, The-Boy-Who-Had-That-Hideous-Scar-Stamped-On-His- Forehead, The-Boy-Who-Had-Dreams-About-Voldemort, etc.  
  
Wait. The-Boy-Who-Had-Dreams-About-Voldemort? Well, break my wand, is it just me or does that indicate a double standard?  
  
Anyways, Harry was Harry. He had unruly hair (Note above: "The-Boy-Whom- Combs-and-Brushes-Feared") and deep green eyes. He sported brown bangs that covered his thunderbolt-shaped-scar. Ah, the scar. So infamous. I think, at first, that's what everyone saw him as. A walking, talking, connected to Voldemort, Scar.  
  
So of course, you'd think I'd have parchments full of notes on males, right? Well, all I right now is...  
  
1) Males do not favor talks of feminine products (Especially the ones a female uses during their "time of the month")  
  
I think that's self explanatory. If it's not, go up to a male friend and ask them what they think is the best product for that "time," and you will observe what I mean.  
  
2) Males do not think by their minds, but by their wands.  
  
Wait. There goes another double standard. For you perverse minds out there, I'm sure that's very true. But what I'm trying to say is boys do not think of what to do and the consequences or whatnot. They just bring out their wand (a double standard?) and flick and swish all they want till it's out of their system (a double standard, I'm sure).  
  
3) Keep commands, wishes, etc simple.  
  
Males do not favor riddles. As feeble or intelligent as their minds are, they want the straight forward truth. No lines in between. Only some males like complication. I'm pretty sure they're either very feminine or very desperate for amusement.  
  
4) Males love porn.  
  
In the muggle world, they use the word "porn." Short for pornography, it's just very ... body parts ... Oh, you know what I mean! In the wizarding world, they use the term... Well... I don't think they use any term. I guess "Gentleman's Books" might be one. So can "Wizard's Wands Stress Reliever" can work.  
  
5) Males fear three words.  
  
No, they aren't "buy feminine products." I'm pretty sure that's true, but what I mean is *the* three words. I. Love. You. Commitment, rejection, etc. Males are not always ready to take the plunge and exclaim their adoration for whomever. It takes much energy to force it out of them. Although, I'm sure they have used those three words to get women to "relieve" the "stress" of their "wands."  
  
6) Males and their Mothers.  
  
To trully have a male under your command, you must erase all the things their mothers did to them. Although, if you like their mothers, I'm sure it won't be necessary.  
  
And that is where my list ends. I'll just have to experiment more.  
  
My name is Hermione Jean Granger. I observe males.  
  
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Author's Notes:  
  
This just popped into my head this morning. I just had to type this up. What do you guys think? I was going for a humorous angle. Did I accomplish my goal?  
  
Review =)  
  
Your "relieved" author,  
  
Layde3xTr1n1ty 


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